The Saga of the Kung Fu Time Shirt Time Capsule.


Last night, a great story happened in Animal Crossing.

It was late. My girlfriend was playing Animal Crossing: New Leaf when one of her villagers came to her with what seemed like an innocent request: bury a time capsule somewhere in the village, so he could dig it up later. Whatever his reasoning was at the time, she didn’t know, and didn’t care.

She tried to dig a hole, but for some reason the ground wouldn’t let her dig. After trying a few times, she said fuck it, opened up the capsule to see what was inside, and discovered it was a “kung fu shirt.” Having no interest in this, she discarded it, and went back to tell the villager that the very earth had rejected his shitty time capsule idea.

Naturally, he became irate because-this was his claim-she had cheated his “future self” out of a time capsule.


We both know that your future self was never going to open that time capsule. Your future self was going to slump his way into NookMart some lonely night, buy all the cough syrup you could legally get, and annihilate his conscious mind behind the store as soon as you thought the coast was clear. He would forget the very word “time capsule,” let alone the memory that he had made his mayor drop her actual business to go do a task his past self was too fucking lazy and/or stupid to accomplish. Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time your future self got fucked up into a codeine nirvana. After all, why else would he have gotten his past self to buy some thin tin box, stuff some dirty laundry in it, and make someone else bury the poor, benighted piece of clothing? At least there was some dignity in being assessed and tossed by someone in a lucid state of mind.

Hell, she did your future self a favor. We both know that after you got picked up and sent to the pokey for the night before being let out of jail (mostly out of pity), you would have never remembered that damn shirt. All you would have is a vague thought that your “favorite” kung fu shirt (that you were condemning to the cold earth because you actually couldn’t stand to wear the thing) was missing, sure that you’d misplaced it somewhere behind the dryer but never exerting enough effort to actually move the damn box to check. Now you got mad, and maybe that’ll be enough to make you actually focus enough to realize you’re stuck in Animal Crossing, asking other people to bury your literal dirty laundry because you’re too weak and pathetic to actually wash it, let alone earn some Bells and buy new clothes. Why do you think you started overdosing on cough syrup? It wasn’t out of celebration, it was because you didn’t feel anything anymore, thanks to being so numbed by Nook holding you in economic slavery! Maybe now that you actually felt something other than an ache to bury yourself in a mildly hallucogenic over the counter cold remedy, you’ll realize what you’ve let yourself become and start working to better your life until you can escape this place or at least start to actively participate, instead of being a fucking drag on everyone’s lives as you wander around, asking people to stuff whatever random crap you don’t want in the ground to forget it! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE MAYOR’S FACE AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!

….that got darker than I intended.


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